THE BREAKDOWN OF A MARRIAGE
When a girl of my generation dreamed of her future, it was a dream about marriage and a family. Despite years of hardship I continued to dream of a future when Stewart and I would sit one day on a veranda dandling our grandchildren on our knees. Never did I dream that after twenty-five years of marriage Stewart would leave me destitute and take my children from me.
How did it all happen? I had, like so many other women of that generation, been prepared to follow my man. I had uttered marriage vows to love, honour and obey till death do us part. Selflessly, I gave.
When Stewart wanted a farm where he could teach his sons farming skills he promised to spend two days a week with me and our children working that farm. He promised to take mid-week days off from his work with the transport firm if he was obliged to work there over weekends. I knew of a small farm that I could afford to buy. Stewart looked it over and negotiated the price. I wrote the cheque. Stewart sprang into action. He said, “This place has great potential!” He hired contractors to come in and demolish an old packing shed, clear old grape trellises and bulldoze the eucalyptus trees from more land suitable for planting with citrus trees. Friends and family came to help with the building of new trellises; the planting of more table grapes and citrus trees. Stewart arranged for the construction of a new farm shed and sourced a tractor and other farm machinery for me to purchase. I agreed to every request until my money was exhausted. It would be at least five years before the farm became viable, but I figured it was worth the wait for a return on my investment to be able to have my husband spending time with his family.
When Stewart could no longer exercise a managerial role, he lost interest in working the farm. It fell to Paul to do much of the cultivation work, while Adrian helped me pick oranges and grapes. The girls preferred to spend their weekends in Dalby. Rodney moved west to Quilpie to work. Within two years Stewart’s work role within the transport company changed. His younger brother became the managing director and Stewart accepted a role requiring him to travel widely throughout Queensland. Feeling a sense of responsibility for my inheritance, I threw myself into working the farm. Always I mouthed Stewart’s words about the potential and spoke enthusiastically to family and friends, masking my disappointment that once more Stewart was absent from his family for days at a time. Nor was it easy for me to be a single parent to teenagers who got into the scrapes of highly spirited young people. I continued on with my Forum speaking and acted as treasurer or secretary on a number of community committees.
Above all, I began to desire a time when I could just do something for myself. I wanted to write. I enrolled at the Adelaide College of TAFE – Technical and Further Education, to undertake a correspondence course in Writing for the Media. Due to evolving pressures, I was only able to complete the first year of this course, but achieved a Distinction.
I began writing a column for a hobby farmer magazine. My column was called Waste Not, Want Not. The magazine printed my submissions for a couple of months, then replaced me with a professional journalist.
My effort to become a superwoman taking care of family, home, community and farm, while still keeping a positive attitude before others, took its toll. Early in 1983 I fronted my doctor in tears and told him I was slipping into depression. He referred me to a psychiatrist in Toowoomba, who diagnosed physical fatigue and anxiety. Stewart was horrified by my ’sickness’ and belittled whatever the psychiatrist said should be done. When I reminded him of his promises, he coldly replied, “Circumstances have changed.”
I couldn’t find a buyer for my small farm as no one wanted a property that wasn’t viable. My anxieties were caused by two things.
- Stewart had continued to spend money, including speculating in shares, for which he required me to charge the debt to my credit card. Because of conflict with his brother, the managing director of the transport company, Stewart was required to charge all his expenses to a personal credit card and then submit it to the company for payment. Also, ever since he had begun work in this family company he had brought his pay packet home to me for management. Thus he believed he could spend what money he chose and request me to pay it from our savings. When the savings were gone he then expected me to charge expenses against my credit card and pay them off from his wages. When Carol got engaged he grandly promised, “Order whatever you want for the wedding.” I was constantly in debt.
- I could not voice the fear, but I needed reassurance that Stewart truly loved me. Although he was highly sexed, this appeared to be his only understanding of giving me love. His frequent absences throughout our marriage caused me great loneliness. I needed a soul mate. Whenever I tried to have a heart to heart talk with him, Stewart would agree with everything I said, but nothing would change.
Carol’s wedding day passed in a drug induced haze. In this confused mental state I was vulnerable as Stewart increased the pressure on me to do more for our family. After a row with his brother he came home saying we must make our own future, but the only assets we possessed were the farm which wasn’t bring in any income and our family home. Both these assets were in my name, he pointed out, but all our lives he had worked for me and our children. In my desire to please him, I succumbed. He purchased a factory which Carol and her husband would manage. I mortgaged my home, farm and factory. Stewart took two months holiday from the transport company to re-equip the factory. It was never my intention to work in the factory, but during the next year Carol was not always able to get workers and Stewart was soon demanding (from long distance) that I assist her. Once more I found myself trying to protect my investment. Stewart had told me, when purchasing the factory, that he would be able to get new markets for its products. This proved no more than wishful thinking.
The year was 1985 and I was still heavily medicated. Stewart was absent from home much of the time. I could see that both the farm and the factory were financial disasters and recognized that I would lose them both and my home would have to be sold to pay debts. We would once more have to start again.
There was light on my horizon. I believed that if we pulled together we would clear our debts. In a heart to heart conversation Stewart agreed that I should enroll to obtain an agricultural degree with the Orange Agricultural College and I could undertake a journalistic course through the University of Southern Queensland. I saw a future for myself traveling with Stewart, working as a free lance journalist, writing and photographing stories for rural newspapers. He gave passive agreement, while remarking that he could not understand why I wanted a career, saying surely it was enough to be his wife and mother to our children. The four older children had all left home. We could send Adrian as a boarder to the Toowoomba Grammar School. Like a mirage on the horizon, it gave me hope, but like all mirages it was an illusion.
Rodney got married. Paul broke bones in his wrist in a fall from a motor bike. Our 25th wedding anniversary approached. I planned a small party at home for family and friends. Stewart opposed the idea, suggesting instead that I should charge another debt to my credit card and we should have a second honeymoon at a Great Barrier Reef island resort. I refused to incur further debt. At the party, Stewart distanced himself from me, until finally he was called on to make a speech. He said only that I had been a wonderful wife and mother. I realized at that moment that he had never seen me as a person, but only as a woman fulfilling a role.
A month later I sold our home. This was the most easily disposed of our assets. As I began packing, Stewart announced that our marriage was over. He wanted an amicable divorce. He told family and friends that I had never forgiven him for the loss of my dowry and our bankruptcy in 1972 and now that I had lost my inheritance he could not bear the thought of living the remainder of his life with a cold and bitter woman. He told our children that he had worked all his life for us; he had given me all his wages and now had nothing to show for all those years of work; he would not say anything bad against me, but when free of me he could be a better father to them.
To be continued.
